…and the moment we have all been waiting for…

I went straight for the bathroom only to notice I still had my handbag with me. I called Pesh and sent her with it to my bedroom. The naughty girl followed me back into the bathroom and tried to get a good peep before I quickly whisked her away. I had my small tins hidden away in the locker so I pulled one out and filled it. That was easy; I needed to pee every thirty minutes anyway! I put in the stick one at a time, laying them neatly on a piece of napkin when done. My heart throbbed…real fast as I imagined what I would feel if it were positive…or negative.
I had stopped thinking about it. Ever since I got my BFN (Big fat negative) the last time, I was in no pressure at all. I let it go and as I promised you, let it remain God’s will. I never tried again, I promise though I kept track of my usual body changes.
I sat on the toilet bowl and gave the first six test kits a full ten minutes.I know I only needed 5 but something naughty in my head thought it would be funny if they tested and all dried out! I was curious of the test results, yet not sure I was ready for them. Have you ever felt so happy yet scared at the same time? What if I wasted so much money on twelve kits and got more BFNs? I would block the toilet flashing them all in! I thought angrily. Justin came to the bathroom door, obviously concerned. I could hear Pesh’s tiny footsteps trotting along. “Are you ok in there?” he startled me and I immediately jumped and stood casting the dizzy spell on myself again. “Yeah” I struggled to reply. “Just testing for pregnancy in here” he was silent for a moment. “Would you like some help?” Of course he wouldn’t miss it for the world. “No, I just need to read the sticks now” I responded calmly as I turned round, eyes closed. Sorry, I was in no hurry to confirm it just yet. “…and? Would you like me to help you read the tests?” Justin probed. “Mommy, you have a bad tummy?” Pesh too seemed concerned.
“I am coming in a bit, please take Pesh away so I don’t die of tension” I requested as I opened my eyes…and they popped really wide at what I saw before me. “All six test kits are spoilt!” I whispered to myself. They each had two bright red strips on them…they all read bright and fat positives on them.. ‘How could I not see this coming; how on earth did you sneak in you little punkin’. I poked my tummy and bent to glimpse at it. ‘How long have you been there? Oh dear, I am going to be a mom to another? I can’t do it!’ I panicked as memories of my first pregnancy flashed before me. It was hard telling my parents the great news and even harder when it was time to push the creature out. I remembered I hadn’t told Justin yet. I grabbed the kits and sneaked quickly into the bedroom. Justin and Pesh both came running in moments later.
“What’s with you and Pesh stalking me everywhere I go” I complained, struggling not to smile. “Of course you know why,” he replied “You are acting unusual so we all want to know what’s up.” I pulled out one kit and handed it over to him. He smiled excitedly and clapped his hands to which Pesh imitated and celebrated. “You are pregnant?” He asked now looking straight at me, “A little” I answered coyly and accepted the group hug that followed. It dawned on me that I could not take it back; it was done. I remembered the words of a nurse who warned me when I confirmed my pregnancy with Pesh, three years ago. “It is now up to you to take good care of that baby; that is God’s responsibility to you. Never question your ability to be a good mother. You will be the best you can be when the time comes.” I remember it took a whole month of denial when every morning and every night I would unfold the piece of paper that had my test results. I would read the word positive over and over taking it all in before I folded and hid it back in my drawer.
This time round, it was different. It was not the first time anymore. My fears and concerns were not the same; I wondered when we would be buying that car we always wanted…because we now really needed it. Two kids would easily drain me and the more I thought about it, the more it scared me. I looked at Pesh and even as she smiled back the fear of impending motherhood…more motherhood dawned on me.

That moment when you feel so mortal…

The night was sombre, cold and weary; dark with the clouds swaying so low you could literary smell their thickness in the air. The rainy season was fast approaching and as usual my family and I kept warm from the chill. Meanwhile, Vivian, (I would like to change her name to Presley- I risk getting caught! Remember the name changing episode I told you about?), worked herself off in the kitchen frying, stirring and making sure to fully own the kitchen space. She wore her favorite apron that she would simply tie round her waist and still show off her girlie top. Pesh was warmly dressed as she took to the floor racing her plastic chair like she would a car; from the kitchen and straight to the end of the living room. We happen to have an open kitchen plan that at some point we regret especially when particular foods are prepared. Pesh raced on, driving us mad as we struggled to watch the prime time news amidst all the noise.

It was on a Thursday and the menu read rice and beef stew. All seemed well till I heard a knock on the door and immediately stood up to get it. I felt a pang of dizziness that sent me back into my seat, leaving me both confused and terrified at the same time. Justin’s attention was with me and Pesh loudly voiced, “Mom! What is it?” Presley got the door. It was no one worth rushing for; the monthly security was due. Justin sorted it out and came back to sit next to me although I felt better already. Pesh went on playing and occasionally ran up to peer into my face and make sure I was alright.
The following morning, I went to work at my usual time; however I felt unusually hungry. I could not hold it any longer so I stopped by a supermarket in town and bought me some queen cakes. I carried them in my bag and took my second bus to work. I constantly kept having the urge to pull one out; something I was not used to doing especially if it was meant to go down with some hot beverage at my office desk… this was getting interesting… I let my hunger rule and quickly pulled one cake out. Without a care in the world, I munched it up systematically pulling out another and taking it all in three huge bites. I surprised myself when I felt OK and full enough to get to work before I could eat again.

I seemed OK at work; except the part where I forgot it was time to send out monthly invoices for our clients. My boss sent me a reminder; not too pleased that for the past two years I have always been on time, and then suddenly it didn’t seem as important anymore. I apologized remorsefully and went ahead to send an invoice that read 0.00 in a neat PDF document. It read paid in my records and I only realized this grave mistake, four hours into the day. Just when I found out I had made a mistake and began rectifying it, the telephone line by my desk rang. The extension number that read on the screen was enough to get my heart on a marathon race and I had this dying urge to ignore it and pretend I was in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I happen to be a bad pretender. I picked the handset up and answered it meekly. His booming voice on the other end wasn’t helping much as I quickly explained that I had just dispatched the correct hard copy (which I still held in my trembling hands. He sounded like he was trying hard to understand me; for some reason, he seemed to comprehend me better than I did myself. I was creeping myself out.

By midday I was already ravenous and surprisingly, I didn’t fancy any food. I held my hunger two more hours and by the time our lunch lady came in, I was so hungry, I never thought fasting could happen while still on a heavy meal. I felt disgusted by my own saliva and the food could not go down. “It must be the hunger” I thought it’s that feeling one gets when they starve too long and suddenly have a heavy meal. My tummy could not hold it so I rushed into the bathroom and it all came out. Scared and confused, I opted to have fruit salad till my body got normal. The salad went down well despite the metal taste in my mouth and every time it landed inside I felt a sense of reassurance. That evening, I went home peacefully and all seemed well till I got off the bus in my hunger surge, I went straight into butchery and bought a large chunk of mutura gobbling it all with a lot of chilli. This was getting too much. I picked up a dozen pregnancy test kits from a chemist nearby and slowly trotted home.

Babies come easy? They lied…

Now that I failed, I can attest to the fact that disappointment can really make one lose focus of their goals. The power of the mind is incredible, but when it all goes into your head, you can run miles, get exhausted and suddenly wake up from deep dreamy sleep. My brain played a nasty one on me. We were trying to get pregnant… Goodness me! All your attention is suddenly focused here! How you love gossip! Ok, sit tight and let me do my usual. We got off the pill and started redirecting our minds to getting pregnant. As is in the 21st century, we did not wait for God to bless us…no, I went on to search for ways and means of getting a preferred child. The outcome awed me.
It turns out that people do know how to get a particular gender in children. They know and yet they sit on their discoveries until you mention it in a whisper. Only then will you be pulled aside and your seriousness carefully scrutinized before any information is offered. Heck! It’s like dealing marijuana! So one friend offered to give me a Chinese based calendar (True, Chinese have literary everything under the sun) that depicted what months I am likely to get what baby at what ages. The first thing I did was counter-check on all the babies I know and their mothers’ ages. Some were right, some I forced right…it was pleasantly positive, though it was really hard to tell when exactly they were conceived as babies can come at any time.

I then researched online…this was the fun part. I joined all moms and baby blogs and websites, read as much as I could and noted down what was most important. The advice remained pretty much the same though people’s experiences made a lot of difference. Some got pregnant weeks after getting off the pill, others tried for a full year, and some are still trying! I took down my notes, and set off to try.
I bought nutritious supplements, and made Justin eat lots of groundnuts haha. I also have up on my wine fetish and embarked on eating and exercising well. Things we do for family…The rest remains censored but from then on, we waited…and waited…and that was when my brain started working. I started craving dry bread and got too hungry too fast. I hated having to go to the bathroom and got really lazy and tired. When I got the anger episodes, I thought that was really it! I started feeling huge and delicate…slept with one hand on my belly and well, started thanking Jesus!

Now there is this sign that I was waiting for; a sign I had read about that would prove it all should I want to test positive. This sign would either prove me right, or wrong. It is what the blogs called ‘Ovulation bleeding’. This was a sign that would prove that we had conceived. Stop nudging me! Ovulation bleeding happens once an embryo has attached itself to the uterus. It is like a wound formed in the process and comes out as a very light pinkish to brown bleeding. This bleeding usually happens in the first week of conception. There. You should try reading these things too, and yes, I am having yet another anger episode at the thought at the next phase of this piece.

When we traveled home, my best friend and I took a walk down the valleys and to the river down stream. It was the most beautiful sight, with the sun shining in some parts and lots of clouds laying low in others. There was as lot of whispering from the trees and huge round rocks lying lazy at the stream. We played a lot, got chased by bees and took photos in the woods. We let our troubles fly with the wind and our voices and we made noises and humming birds responded. For a moment there, life was good. It lasted an hour as the once blue skies suddenly got hovered by dull clouds. Before we could say ‘lightening’ it was pouring tremendously. We ran up hill having hid our phones somewhere safe and by time we were backing home, we were a perfect replica of rained on chicken.
I went to the bathroom for a quick cold shower and by the time I sat down to enjoy a glass of warm milk I had found out I was not pregnant. Nature had helped me relax and I let go of my worries and concerns. I also let go of my pregnancy. Grief, anger and disenchantment were all I felt and it took me a week to realize that it could never have worked just because the Chinese chart thought so. I gave up and gave God back his mantle. May his will be done.

Auntie Moody

Moody as the clouds
Some days can be quite refreshing and pleasant; others just choose to be void and just….there. This is one of those days when everything is just plain and obtainable. That’s actually what I feel like right now. It’s empty with no problems to solve and no exciting news to cheer me up. Everything including the bright lime colours of my kitchen and our food time-table is suddenly boring. Not even Pesh’s funny faces or break dances can make me laugh today, leave alone Justin’s attempt to tickle me. In fact, the latter makes me very irritable. I am a walking time bomb. This is just one of those days when my boss knows best not to expect any tea till the office assistant is back from errands. I have neither sweet cakes nor cookies hidden in my bag and I dint feel like having the snacks they brought either. I pull my face and wear a frown, allowing the numbing feelings get the best of me.
I suppose it could be because of the boring weather; it rains and it gets all muddy; and we have to wear these heavy sweaters, scarves and sometimes those abhorred mismatched socks at home…We all look the same with jackets, hoods and trench coats so if you are a lover of bright coloured sun dresses and fitting t-shirts like I do, you start feeling as though grandma just played dress-up on you! Now that I mention that, I pity Pesh. I put the whole closet on her and only spared her from a monkey cap when Justin promised to burn it up. I think she got a heat rash.
Troubled Me
I am afraid of the cold. I don’t know of any plants that survive well in cold wind so I can have something to thank Jesus for. All I know is it awakens the sicknesses that have been quietly asleep in us; from tooth aches, to malaria, pneumonia to tooth- cracks. The old aged lose their battles to diseases in the cold season and children flood into wards as they get admitted to hospital for all sorts of air and water borne diseases. Each day I live troubled by the mere thought of a phone call from Vivian telling me how high Pesh’s temperature is.
It makes it worse to bear when I get calls that my nephew got admitted when he got a convulsion from high fevers… how does anyone sleep at night when even turning a head leaves with you with scratch marks of trepidation? It’s as though the grim reaper visits to mock me with evil thoughts. He pretends to hook the people I care about with his scythe and after a few heart wrenching sways accompanied by a thunderous and controlling laughter, he drops them and leaves silently, head hung low and without a single look back; as though he suddenly got scolded by his boss to stop playing with humans like they are toys.
A tinge of hope
Seemingly, God understands what I go through as he never fails to give me hope. Occasionally during the day, he lets the sun peep out and send its warm, soothing rays through my window. Its gentle cascade seems to whisper sweet words to my ears, sending happy hormones rushing through my veins. I can finally afford a smile. He clearly understands that at this point, the rainbow could be on the other side of the hill, furnishing the people on the slopes with memories of His love. At this point my spirit ceases from being low and I get lifted high to enjoy the little warm air that escapes from the steam in my kitchen. I realise once again that this life is just being true to me, proving its natural self to me. No one is perfect, not even the best or the richest. It is actually up to us to make the most of the time we have. Since I realise we will always have two rainy and cold seasons each year. Life need not stop till the sun shines. I will prepare to enjoy it and live up above it. I will get exciting things that my family and I will only during the cold seasons and others for the sunny one. This had better work. I will put in all I can to ensure it does. If not, and I continue getting these low energy episodes…then I better get checked! A little someone could be setting camp in me!