Married? You're in trouble!!

Call it what you want. For me, a marriage is a social union or legal agreement between two, not three, not four, people of the opposite sex. It’s an institution that binds two human beings for a very unique reason. A promise to be your soul mate’s best friend for ever. A promise to love, protect, respect and care for them. A promise to be responsible for their hearts. A heart entrusted to you in kindness and truth. This person expects that you will give their hearts top priority in your life. That no matter what happens you will never mull over breaking them. They trust that yoyu have their best interests at heart; that wherever you go, you are with them in spirit, praying that God keeps you both out of harm’s way, till you meet at the end of the day.

This post is inspired by those idiots who seek to ruin people’s marriages. I have met many who want a piece of a matrimonial cake. They want to be a side plate, so they don’t have to commit or go through the process of a real relationship. They want women that they cannot buy gifts for, or have them posses over them with myriad of phone calls asking where they are. Why? Because they have husbands and this ‘mpango wa kando’ is not for keeps.

They want men who will not ask them to clean their socks or wash undies. Others are just too lazy to search for partners and want to steal the married ones away from their spouses .Reason? That the person they are with is not good enough for them. I wish to remind all you out there that there is no perfect man or woman out there. We simply learn to live with each other and make our marriages work. It’s tough, and at times makes you want to tear your hair off, but there’s no short cut. You have to make it work and strive to learn. My husband and I learnt a few things and I’m kind. I’ll share them for free!

Rule number1;

In a real marriage there are no secrets. You don’t hide your payslip from your wife; neither do you steal money meant for ‘mbogas’ and ‘nyanyas’ to save in your secret chama. In a marriage, you don’t discuss family matters via facebook or tweet a complaint on ‘His placement of dirty socks and what to do’. You do not complain about her four months old weave and poor dressing to your friends at Kneecap’s pub. Instead, you advise her it’s about time she gets rid of it. Better yet, let her know what you like. She will make an effort, if only to impress you.

Whenever you have a fight, do not shout aloud for the world to hear. Half the world will laugh at you. A big chunk of the left over half will advise you, 80% of who will advise you to walk out. The rest help you spread the word, spiced with rumours and ‘what I thought I heard.’

Rule number 2;

A real marriage is donned with Communication. (This should have been at the top of the list) Lack of communication creates room for assumptions, anger, mistrust and curiosity. A real man (by this I mean a man who intends to make his marriage work) will tell his wife when he is not satisfied with his life. He will seek an opinion from her on matters important, irregardless of her insignificant thinking capacity (for those who marry blondes)Take the insignificant idea and treat it with care. She took her time to think it over! Don’t throw it in her face, reminding her how dumb she is, no offence. Ladies, we need to refrain from demoralising our men. Don’t call him names when he can’t find a job. Help him get one. Encourage him and resurface his drowned ego.  Don’t sulk when he fails to notice the missing cobwebs on the cornice, he is not Jesus, and he can’t read your mind!  Talk…I didn’t say shout.

Rule number 3;

Sex. (It gets juicy.) Men, We all know you want us to sleep with our make up on and our hair done. We can’t. Our African hair is prone to be entangled and the oils irritate our facial skins so we might end up striking you with horrific pimples come dawn. A real man will tell his wife she is beautiful. He needs to remind her constantly that she means the world to him. We love it and we’ll rock your world even more.  You love women in tight, short skirts? Don’t ogle. Dress your woman in it. She is yours to have. Explore her.  Ladies, please don’t lie when you don’t cum; tell him what to do to make it work for you. A real woman will teach her husband to know her completely; to know the full geography of her body and the chemistry of her nerves.  Teach him to explore your world like a lioness does her King. Praise his masculinity (even if he’s a tiny looking man). He is yours. You chose him. Make him the perfect man in your life.

Rule number 4;

In-laws. Unless you ask for opinions, let not your in-laws make decisions for you. Don’t let their judgement get a hold of you. They may not have your best interests at heart. In fact unless you you’re are being abused, and are in dire need of refuge, keep them at. They may turn you into marionettes. You could also be an in-law… to your brother’s wife or sister’s husband. Keep that nose out. Only help when they ask for you. A real man will protect his wife from his family especially when they do not get along. He will not protect his family from his wife, unless he married her for another reason. Even when she is wrong, he will still protect her and correct her in camera. Yes, don’t embarrass her in front everyone.  You will deprive her of her pride and most people will laugh at her. The wise will mock you for foolishly exposing her. You will look like you married a foolish wife to complement your foolishness. No pun intended.

Rule number 5

Fight. A real man never hits a woman…. Should I have started with this point?

A man is built to be strong, masculine and one cannot compare a man’s strength to a woman…err… unless she is Conjestina Achieng. Either way, a man is built to protect a woman. Yes, not to box her. A real man will fight with someone with similar strength. He will use his strength protect his family.

I have told all this not because I am turning into a sex aunty, but because it has been bugging me all week. After going through all this together, what makes you think I’ll just wake up one morning, meet you, a stranger, chat and walk out on my marriage?

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