October 12, 2011
This night was particularly different. It was cold, dark and sullen. Even in the darkness, the sky looked murky. She felt even worse inside. Her heart thumped inhumanly and threatened to rip itself off her chest. She stood at the balcony and stared into the emptiness of the streets. Her heart was lost. She couldn’t help but think, “I’m only 19. Why me?” Blinking her eyes to stop the tears from falling… she gave up and let them run down her cheek, onto her blouse whey they soaked.
She slowly unfolded the small crumpled paper she’d held tightly in her hands. She hated the piece of paper. it told the bare truth. She wished she could mark it off or burn it, but it wouldn’t change a thing. Her fate was sealed. It was done. It read positive. She read the contents for the umpteenth time. This time she wished it would read differently. It didn’t. The message screamed loudly at her. She had tested positive to the pregnancy test.
“This baby is now in your hands” the words banged in her head. She could still see the nurseshamelessly waving the result slip to her face. She had left the decision to her. The fate of the baby was hers. She wished she didn’t have to decide. She wished they could take away the pregnancy and fix it in someone else. Someone older. Someone ready. Someone who would want a baby; someone who needed a baby. Someone who was not her.
She crumpled the paper again. This time she threw it into the darkness, silently hoping that the baby would fly with it. The wind blew hard, making the soaked blouse sting with the cold. She sniffed. “It’s my entire fault”, she thought. “I am totally to blame for this so I have to be strong. I can do this. Yes I can!! yes I can”But she was lying. It wasn’t working. She clearly needed to talk to someone. She needed someone to tell her it would be fine or even better that it was only a horrible dream, that if she let them they would pinch her awake.
She called a friend who quickly came over and gave an ear. It’s all she wanted anyway. But the friend was no real friend. She had come over for gossip update…
It was the most painful feeling she had ever felt. All her friends were leaving her. Not one by one. Not even two by two. It was all at a go. They ran off with hands over their mouths. Holding themselves from bursting out with laughter. Laughter that she must not hear. It hurt even more when she called her Dad and he wouldn’t understand. How would he understand? Why even? He was beyond words. She was the last born child and the first to bring home a grand child. That was not funny.
Her only comfort was her boyfriend. He was the only one who knew what went on in her heart. He knew the battle she fought and the risk she was taking. Only he could comfort her but he wasn’t enough. Not enough for a 19 year old beautiful girl who was going places. Not a girl with so much potential. Not one who still valued friends more than any thing. She valued friends like any normal 19 year old would, and they wouldn’t value her back.
She called me…actually, she sent me a message. I was not in her circle…Well, not her close friend. She needed someone to tell her what she already knew. What we all forget when we get distressed. She needed to hear someone laugh at her story and make it look light. Someone to tell her she was not the first to go through it. And she did. She got that someone…in me.
I did not see trouble in losing friends she never needed. I saw new doors opening and turned her from the closed ones she cried for. I showed her what she had and she forgot what she lost. I never did much; I just used what she had. I showed her the positive side she had not noticed. But it worked and I’m happy for her. Like many other young women would have, she was terrified, probably to the core of her spirit, but she did it. Her old friends never came back but I promised to be one of the new ones. She was worried her parents would kick her out but she had forgotten that the love they had for her shown over the years could not be cast out in a day.
Today I write for her. I wish for her not to forget from whence she came from. It takes a strong woman to make a good mom. She has a daughter born this month and she is stronger than a rock. She will definitely make a good mom and friend. She has been through it to know this. She has learnt a hard way but she is stronger. She was forced to step up her growing rate. The world spun round her like a whirl wind, carrying everything in it. The only thing it left was her will. It was all she needed to get it back together. She did and now God added her yet another blessing.