December 1, 2011
On the eve of this very day, exactly two years ago I was an almost exact replica of a fully blown balloon. Proudly braving an addition of fifteen kilos, I was full with a well developed baby in my near exploding womb; full of anxiety and expectations; full of love and accumulated concern
Full with you.
I trotted an imbalanced me around and selfishly attracted attention from everyone; flies, worms and all. Once, I got too petrified and asked your uncle Jay to walk me to the tuck shop to get a toothbrush and paste for the hospital.
At around 4pm my water broke and it finally hit me smack on my headthat the long awaited time was here. I was going to meet you.
The things you made me do
I quickly drowned the rest of my tea. I loved my tea and my leaving only meant waving good bye to tea leaves and saying hello to chocolate and cocoa (yuck!). I loathed chocolate and cocoa. You made me hate them and I puke with as much as it’s smell. Now here I was, getting married to them. Doctor said at least until you were six months old and weaning lest you get a short supply of nyonyo milk!
I fed worse than a swine. I craved food all the time and got selfish with my paw-paws. No one touched my paw-paws. I loved my oranges too and ate them at the bus stage, in the bus, in the supermarket, in meetings, in the bank and waiting rooms. The world was my dining place and everyone, well almost everyone came to my service.
At the hospital I ate more fries and chicken, and drank cold water. If I tell you how I screamed while pushing and cursed all the way, I risk you thinking that I regretted having you. To be very honest, it reached a point where I totally forgot I was having a baby and just wailed. I had no time to think of the wee and lovely looking clothes I had packed for you, how pretty you’d look in the tiny rompers with funny messages written on it, or the many stuffed dolls that waited at home for you.
I had no time to fathom how it would be being a mother. All I wanted to do was scream my lungs away and muse on how loud I could be, to overlook the agonizing pain. Believe me hun, I tried really hard to think positively. That the end result would make me rejoice, but that wouldn’t work either.
Your arrival came with its repercussions. I realised I had to do some more growing up. I was suddenly viewed differently.
I was treated with more respect.
My world flipped. I was no longer alone. I now had you. To watch, feed, clean, love and play with. At some point I got really scared that you were too attached to me; that you fully depended on me. You, expecting so much from me gave me the creeps. I got scared of failing you. I wanted to run from all the anticipation yet still provide you all you needed. Ironically I couldn’t picture myself away from you, but I still felt I wasn’t ready . After a lot of encouragement from God, your grandparents, your daddy, aunties and uncles, I finally gathered the courage to do it. I realised there’s no perfect mother out there; that we learn by experience. I learned to go easy and take a step at a time.
What I am
I lost my middle name and I’d be happy to lose my first name too. I have become Mama Pesh. You changed my name. You transformed me into the responsible, hardworking and focused person I am now. I run home from work just to spend the few hours left playing with you, watching you smile and giggle and hear you talk Pesh language. I respect my parents even more because of you. I realise a mother’s worry is nothing to place a bet on. A mother’s instincts are 97% right; and all because I am able to feel your every whim and anguish.
Your innocent existence makes me drown in sudden love and worry. Worry of ever seeing you get hurt.
Who you are
You, my precious naughty angel have grown into an outstanding toddler. I have watched you brave claustrophobia and fear of strangers. I have been hallowed to watch you grow tall, gorgeous and intelligent. Honestly love, I was a little scared of your nearing – midget height. Though a few things still vex you, you always come round. You comprehend well what we enlighten you, and you have a razor-sharp memory. You know when we are just being silly and when it’s serious business. Though we reprimand you when you go wrong, you have learnt only too well that our love for you stands strong; a precipice stone on the edge of cascading waters.
May you grow to be the best of your ability and the almighty God bless you with long life. I pray you become an eye for those who do not see, a shoulder for those who need a friend, and the difference the world needs to see. I bless you precious girl for you are a blessing to me. Happy birthday Patience Mwambi, enjoy, sing, dance and eat lots of cake. For the good girl you have been, you so deserve it.
Ps/ Each year when it’s your birthday we shall commemorate all who were born on this day, and all we lost, especially those who were HIV positive, (Toto, a dear, little friend, in mind) This being the World Aids Day.