June 7, 2013
Now that I failed, I can attest to the fact that disappointment can really make one lose focus of their goals. The power of the mind is incredible, but when it all goes into your head, you can run miles, get exhausted and suddenly wake up from deep dreamy sleep. My brain played a nasty one on me. We were trying to get pregnant… Goodness me! All your attention is suddenly focused here! How you love gossip! Ok, sit tight and let me do my usual. We got off the pill and started redirecting our minds to getting pregnant. As is in the 21st century, we did not wait for God to bless us…no, I went on to search for ways and means of getting a preferred child. The outcome awed me.
It turns out that people do know how to get a particular gender in children. They know and yet they sit on their discoveries until you mention it in a whisper. Only then will you be pulled aside and your seriousness carefully scrutinized before any information is offered. Heck! It’s like dealing marijuana! So one friend offered to give me a Chinese based calendar (True, Chinese have literary everything under the sun) that depicted what months I am likely to get what baby at what ages. The first thing I did was counter-check on all the babies I know and their mothers’ ages. Some were right, some I forced right…it was pleasantly positive, though it was really hard to tell when exactly they were conceived as babies can come at any time.
I then researched online…this was the fun part. I joined all moms and baby blogs and websites, read as much as I could and noted down what was most important. The advice remained pretty much the same though people’s experiences made a lot of difference. Some got pregnant weeks after getting off the pill, others tried for a full year, and some are still trying! I took down my notes, and set off to try.
I bought nutritious supplements, and made Justin eat lots of groundnuts haha. I also have up on my wine fetish and embarked on eating and exercising well. Things we do for family…The rest remains censored but from then on, we waited…and waited…and that was when my brain started working. I started craving dry bread and got too hungry too fast. I hated having to go to the bathroom and got really lazy and tired. When I got the anger episodes, I thought that was really it! I started feeling huge and delicate…slept with one hand on my belly and well, started thanking Jesus!
Now there is this sign that I was waiting for; a sign I had read about that would prove it all should I want to test positive. This sign would either prove me right, or wrong. It is what the blogs called ‘Ovulation bleeding’. This was a sign that would prove that we had conceived. Stop nudging me! Ovulation bleeding happens once an embryo has attached itself to the uterus. It is like a wound formed in the process and comes out as a very light pinkish to brown bleeding. This bleeding usually happens in the first week of conception. There. You should try reading these things too, and yes, I am having yet another anger episode at the thought at the next phase of this piece.
When we traveled home, my best friend and I took a walk down the valleys and to the river down stream. It was the most beautiful sight, with the sun shining in some parts and lots of clouds laying low in others. There was as lot of whispering from the trees and huge round rocks lying lazy at the stream. We played a lot, got chased by bees and took photos in the woods. We let our troubles fly with the wind and our voices and we made noises and humming birds responded. For a moment there, life was good. It lasted an hour as the once blue skies suddenly got hovered by dull clouds. Before we could say ‘lightening’ it was pouring tremendously. We ran up hill having hid our phones somewhere safe and by time we were backing home, we were a perfect replica of rained on chicken.
I went to the bathroom for a quick cold shower and by the time I sat down to enjoy a glass of warm milk I had found out I was not pregnant. Nature had helped me relax and I let go of my worries and concerns. I also let go of my pregnancy. Grief, anger and disenchantment were all I felt and it took me a week to realize that it could never have worked just because the Chinese chart thought so. I gave up and gave God back his mantle. May his will be done.