July 25, 2013
I went straight for the bathroom only to notice I still had my handbag with me. I called Pesh and sent her with it to my bedroom. The naughty girl followed me back into the bathroom and tried to get a good peep before I quickly whisked her away. I had my small tins hidden away in the locker so I pulled one out and filled it. That was easy; I needed to pee every thirty minutes anyway! I put in the stick one at a time, laying them neatly on a piece of napkin when done. My heart throbbed…real fast as I imagined what I would feel if it were positive…or negative.
I had stopped thinking about it. Ever since I got my BFN (Big fat negative) the last time, I was in no pressure at all. I let it go and as I promised you, let it remain God’s will. I never tried again, I promise though I kept track of my usual body changes.
I sat on the toilet bowl and gave the first six test kits a full ten minutes.I know I only needed 5 but something naughty in my head thought it would be funny if they tested and all dried out! I was curious of the test results, yet not sure I was ready for them. Have you ever felt so happy yet scared at the same time? What if I wasted so much money on twelve kits and got more BFNs? I would block the toilet flashing them all in! I thought angrily. Justin came to the bathroom door, obviously concerned. I could hear Pesh’s tiny footsteps trotting along. “Are you ok in there?” he startled me and I immediately jumped and stood casting the dizzy spell on myself again. “Yeah” I struggled to reply. “Just testing for pregnancy in here” he was silent for a moment. “Would you like some help?” Of course he wouldn’t miss it for the world. “No, I just need to read the sticks now” I responded calmly as I turned round, eyes closed. Sorry, I was in no hurry to confirm it just yet. “…and? Would you like me to help you read the tests?” Justin probed. “Mommy, you have a bad tummy?” Pesh too seemed concerned.
“I am coming in a bit, please take Pesh away so I don’t die of tension” I requested as I opened my eyes…and they popped really wide at what I saw before me. “All six test kits are spoilt!” I whispered to myself. They each had two bright red strips on them…they all read bright and fat positives on them.. ‘How could I not see this coming; how on earth did you sneak in you little punkin’. I poked my tummy and bent to glimpse at it. ‘How long have you been there? Oh dear, I am going to be a mom to another? I can’t do it!’ I panicked as memories of my first pregnancy flashed before me. It was hard telling my parents the great news and even harder when it was time to push the creature out. I remembered I hadn’t told Justin yet. I grabbed the kits and sneaked quickly into the bedroom. Justin and Pesh both came running in moments later.
“What’s with you and Pesh stalking me everywhere I go” I complained, struggling not to smile. “Of course you know why,” he replied “You are acting unusual so we all want to know what’s up.” I pulled out one kit and handed it over to him. He smiled excitedly and clapped his hands to which Pesh imitated and celebrated. “You are pregnant?” He asked now looking straight at me, “A little” I answered coyly and accepted the group hug that followed. It dawned on me that I could not take it back; it was done. I remembered the words of a nurse who warned me when I confirmed my pregnancy with Pesh, three years ago. “It is now up to you to take good care of that baby; that is God’s responsibility to you. Never question your ability to be a good mother. You will be the best you can be when the time comes.” I remember it took a whole month of denial when every morning and every night I would unfold the piece of paper that had my test results. I would read the word positive over and over taking it all in before I folded and hid it back in my drawer.
This time round, it was different. It was not the first time anymore. My fears and concerns were not the same; I wondered when we would be buying that car we always wanted…because we now really needed it. Two kids would easily drain me and the more I thought about it, the more it scared me. I looked at Pesh and even as she smiled back the fear of impending motherhood…more motherhood dawned on me.