Dear EX, It’s been a while!

This post is not entirely my experience, Oh, please do not be tempted to think that I am not over my past or that I am bitter about it. I am simply venturing to new heights of my writing skills. I intend to offer inspiration, motivation and lessons on relationships and marriage. This letter is for many kinds of men all pulled into one body, the EX. This is for you who are stuck in a relationship that you know well will end dead, yet you still hang on, and for you who will step over everyone else as you try to eat life with a wide fork. This is for you who will let this move you a step ahead. For you who will let it guide you to be a better person.

Dear EX,
It is a shame how it took you so long to grow up. When I sit back and recall how you were back in the day I can’t help but squint my eyes in disgust as I chew off the ends of my rubbery pen. It was so full of drama; I still wonder how I live to tell the tale. What in the blazing hell was I thinking, getting entangled with you? How did I even survive? You were youthful, cheery and peppy. You were the man of your time…the man who could have as many girlfriends as the hours of a day. You were ‘The Ish’. You preferred the naïve type of women judging from all the women I ever caught you with. I was simple, old fashioned and natural. The most make up I ever wore was a simple eye-tone and lip balm. You made me feel like the world revolved around me the first time you lay your eyes on me. You bought me gifts every other day, took me out to expensive hotels and dedicated songs to me. You never wanted me to use public transport, not when you had enough cars lazing in your lot while you showed off your favourite pick of the month! My every whimper was your command, as you would stumble over yourself in an effort to please me. I ate whatever I wanted and had flowers and chocolate delivered to me.

In short you were my slave and I your queen…at least until you got me entangled around your finger. I couldn’t imagine life without you being a part of it. I worshiped you, spoke only of you, slept on open text messages from you and only after good night wishes and kisses sent from you. You were in my dreams, in my head, in my heart, and all over my life! You made sure to occupy every inch of me and were very jealous of anyone who got as much as a smile from me. And I filled your life with me…at least I did, until that day when on our way back from the long drive from The Mara. I saw something that changed everything between you and I. The name Baby Steph was on your phone’s screen, having replaced the profile name of your current theme. I stuttered as I asked whose phone that was. I could never get it through my head that you had a child, young enough to be called a baby. How old was she again, three months? But you told me she was well over a year! You knew very well how wrong it sounded to the ear…that you have a three-month-old child and you are still roaming around like a demon looking for a weak soul to devour.
broken heart 1
After a lot of convincing that I was the one and not the other woman, even though I was the other woman, I still stuck around and served as a slave to your charm. I was however getting brighter by the day and one day I put one foot against the door and got firm. Fine I was appreciating my beauty and glowing in love but to you it translated to me growing a big head…you got insecure and in your puerility and immaturity turned callous on me. You suddenly used what was mine against me. That I had not joined university was a problem. I became an illiterate nobody. In your eyes I became trashy, or was it trash? I was as useless as a lone staple pin. Then you exposed me to your first love. The woman who felt she had a right over you above all else. She was there first; she was with you when you were penniless and ugly… Oh, the comfort of having money brings a confident smile on, and that smile is simply breath taking! She seemed to know so much about me and she threw words at me. I know I looked strong even as I fought back, but deep inside those words were daggers. They sliced every gentleness and purity that made me unique. The very facet that made you attracted to me. I walked away with wounds that would take a long while to heal. With no apology and no compunction, I turned back and gave you one last smile, not to draw you close, no, but to glance at my path and salute you for making me stronger and wiser. I limped on with hope. I knew better and I just needed time to heal and get back up.

I did heal, I forgave you, I understood that it was childish play and that nothing that meant so much to me meant anything to you. I laugh now at how I trusted my heart and my love with you! It was like giving an expensive gadget to a seven-month-old baby who only knows to soak it in saliva and in minutes loose interest in it. broken heart 3

It’s nice to see you again. Really, I had actually forgotten how far I have come. The wounds you gave me are nothing but scars that remind me of a war that I survived. I live to warn my fellow girls to be careful about men like you. Oh you‘ve changed? How be that? Oh? Ok. So you are mature now, I see. How is your daughter? Oh, you don’t say! Now you are protective of her? It is nice and ironic that you know how men out there can be! I am not mocking you! On the contrary I pity you. Because that messed up dude or dudette who said Karma is a bitch never got an award for that, even though the bugger was so right! I hope you are born again now? No? Oh but you go to church? Nods… Nice. Aaaah, tithe too! Awesome. Then get your Pastor to pray with you. Your fate will follow your daughter. A man that she will give her everything to, will take that heart, spit on it, shove it to the floor, stump on it, yank it off the floor and aim it for the trash can. You will treat my wounds but this time on someone who means a lot more to you. The wounds will remind you of your past and the women you messed up. broken heart 2

So long friend. I hope you tell your fellow men to watch out. Karma’s got one big eye and is looking out!

Boy Meets Girl- The Chase

This post is mainly about any man who is still in the game; any man who is not committed to a woman…and of course is straight!
When boy sees girl, his first gaze will be her behind, then her bosom and later on, her face. For others, it will be your bosom, them your behind, and much later on, your face. Forget your imitated Sleek make-up or Brazilian wig…weave, or that Darling product (Made in Kenya) you invest each month in. It’s usually sexual before it can be anything else. And I know this how? I have a man by my side that allows me to ask as many questions as Pesh does in a day. Now, just go into any hood, club, even an office and as you walk in or around, follow the gaze of a man present. If you walk facing him then you should notice that he can’t wait for you to walk ahead, and faster so that he can feast his eyes on your bum. If he doesn’t like what he sees, he will check on your other attributes for compensation for what you are missing. If your bosom is also substandard (I’m pretty sure you know exactly what I mean) then you know your last hope of surviving the attraction venture hangs by a loose thread- your face. If you are pretty, whoa! That was close. You may get yourself a hello and some intro as he seeks to know your character. Trouble is if another lady passes by immediately, chances of him turning to gauge that behind are 90% to 10%, the 10% being that he is gentlemanly of him not to let you catch him. It’s a man’s world; I’m in it to understand what the buttons mean…and not to specifically press them!
boy meets girl
God made man and gave him a force that will help him get himself a wife…the chasing force. Now, it is this part that still gets me confused…those women who chase, really, how the heck do they do that? So man was made and we women placed not far off for him to notice us. You get yourself a boyfriend and in your mind you believe he will never notice another woman, right? Wrong! This is what happens in his mind. If he is a sexually satisfied man, then he will simply feed his eyes as a welcomed distraction. He will not lust after every bottom that passes close enough or smile back at a pretty face. He will always think of his woman and smile at a thought in nostalgia, because that is what belongs to him, the ones on the streets must surely belong to other men.

If your man is a womanizer, for starters you will have to compete with several women to get noticed…your intelligence may be a plus for your chances, however it does not guarantee that he will not hunt after another hard to get woman. In fact, the harder you are to get, the bigger the challenge for him, and don’t they love a challenge that involves a woman! So there you are, you make him suffer, struggle, spend. You stand him up; you literary make him go through hell and back in an effort to have him appreciate you once he gets you. Unfortunately this is not how this man thinks. To him once he gets you, the fun is over…and he wants more, so since you are his catch, he will put one paw on you just so you know he is there and use the other to find someone else who would like to play catch. That’s just how it is at least until he grows out of it… no wait, until he has no more energy to chase, because he will still feast his eyes but as calmly as a well fed leopard debating on whether to catch now and save for later or to let go hoping to catch some more when hanger strikes.
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A man who loves to chase simply enjoys the game and not so much the players. Let them play and get bored just be careful not to be the one he plays with.

Love, The Kenyan Way Pt 1

So what is this love? I mean the Kenyan way? The reason I call it kenyan is because even if you were to leave the country and travel elsewhere, your way of handling a woman or a man remains the same. The only thing that might change is the effect of their varied reactions to your treatment. Otherwise, the way you view relationships barely changes. Someone once condemned us women who love watching soap operas. He warned that if we want them to act like the men in soaps we ought to act like the women there too! If you look at it from their way of reasoning it makes such perfect sense!
The rule of love remains the same. I choose to put women in my ring today. I am angered at the sight of families breaking up and on doing research. We women take 90% responsibility. This is how it starts.

Case study 1
Man meets woman, he likes what he sees, woman feels proud, plays hard to get. Man gets serious and focuses on woman; takes her out to dinner, buys flowers and ice cream. Man can’t stand it but he makes an effort to please woman… they finally become an item. Both man and woman have one-foot-in-one-foot-out of the relationship. They test waters; necks occasionally out in the market. Man and woman put in their best to get the other’s full attention. They both win. A wedding happens and both man and woman stop looking back. Both relax and no effort is maintained; woman wants to be admired and praised by her man; man wants to be served by woman trusting that she is a home maker; the perfect wife. Woman gets reality shock, she wants to have more fun and not cook. Man is angry, he wants woman to change. Woman has no idea what’s going on…puts on her pride and hopes man will be more loving and let her buy burgers and ice cream for dinner.

Case study 2
Man meets woman, he likes what he sees, woman feels proud, plays hard to get). Man gets serious and focuses on woman; takes her out to dinner, buys flowers and ice cream. Man can’t stand it but he makes an effort to please woman… they finally become an item. Both man and woman are hard-working, but woman has intent; she pleases man and becomes his goddess. Man is mesmerised, clings more to woman, yearning for more. Woman plays her cards well; winds man round his finger. Man is lost in woman. She is in charge. She controls plans, and a wedding finally happens. Soon after man expects more awe from woman. He worships at her feet, hanging on to her words. Woman gets tired, pushes man away. Its time to enjoy marriage, but man has no idea how he got there. He just wants his woman…she fails to keep up.

Case study 3
Man meets woman, he likes what he sees, woman feels proud, plays hard to get (we always do, don’t we?). Man gets serious and focuses on woman; takes her out to dinner, buys flowers and ice cream. Woman has a dramatic past. Heart breaks and disappointment fill her previous relationships. She holds back from man in fear of a repeat. Man thinks woman is the best as she has learnt from this past; he gives his all in hope for loyalty, love and trust. Woman builds up insecurity, fights with ghosts of her own fears. She chases away all of man’s female friends, panic often and throws tantrums when she feels threatened. Man tries hard to give assurance, but woman fails to stabilize.
rlshp
All these three scenarios are very common. They are what make men get plan B…well, unless your man is one of those cases that I will deal with in my next piece. Just as we say two wrongs don’t make a write, I do not defend any of these two parties. If a man knows his woman has a battle with her past, he needs to come down to her level and help her get past it. We are dealing with human beings here, not technological equipment that needs to be updated. We have hearts and they only get harder when life presents tough situations.

Fellow women, your man wants you to be Super-woman because you are. The same way you are able to work and tend to your pregnancy or the very same way you are able to do your 8 to 5 and still remember to pay your chama on time and collect that chiffon top you ordered last week only proves one thing; that we can multitask. His mother showed him the best so he looks for what he knows. Don’t think that your good looks will save you…do not be deceived. They complete their purpose once the attraction bit is done. He will not worship at your feet everyday. Nor will he take you out to hang with friends all the time.
He wants you to clean around the house, help the kids with home work, show love and strictness in controlling cash flow, cook delicious meals, Give him great sex ( leave him grovelling at you), smile and crack jokes, laugh at his jokes…note, and dress to please him. If your man adores minis, get the shortest for your bedroom. Do not let the world feed their eyes on your man’s stuff. If he thinks minis, and sexy stockings are too much, go simple and stylish and still keep what he first loved about you intact. There is more on the way.

Take a break. See you at ring 2

The Beautiful Ones Keep Getting Born; We Just Miss Out

I am not always annoyed. I do smile a lot; even laugh sometimes… I discovered that true joy comes even when I am not necessarily happy. I know it makes no sense, but it works when you have that faith and belief that nothing ever on this earth lasts for ever. That includes our problems. I have been hurt, cheated, insulted, and almost stabbed, I think. And at that time, my world was filled with a lot of sadness. I found myself hanging on to men who would never hang on to me. I particularly sort the beautiful ones; yes, the ones too handsome, they’d start looking beautiful; the ones that everyone else would fight me to death for.

I thought I was beautiful enough to keep the other girls away. I thought what I saw in the movies could work for us. The spark I felt when I saw them gaze in each others’ eyes remained stronger in me than them and it died a few years ago when I followed them up online and discovered it was just an act. I lived in a fantasy bubble that I never quite needed anyone to burst. I was that Snow White that enjoyed the dreams in her sleep even when my prince was miles away. My parents never helped much when they bought me the whole collection of the fantasy children’s books. Rapunzel made it; so did Cinderella and snow white so why not me? Just last year they tried to bring my fantasy alive with a movie they called Snow White and the Huntsman…I held my breath for a second, thinking the spark would come alive…but there still was no happily ever after. Maybe then I would have told you I’m the worst person to talk of realistic love. But I’m not; true love still shines even when you are old and wrinkly and your husband tells you, “Honey, I love how they form around your eyes when you smile”

Cinderella
Rapunzel

I am not saying the handsome ones make the worst husbands, or that beautiful wives make the best home-makers, no! But you need to remember that good looks are a mere temporary state. It’s a survival mechanism for attraction to form relationships. Imagine if the whole world had ugly men and women with really foul smells. We would only be there for procreation but we would never quite stand each other. We would probably only seek males and females in total darkness only.  So get my point here. Good looks serve the major purpose to bring the attraction thing going. Once you find each other, look beyond it. Seek the beauty in character and in the heart.  Once you find it, then you know you will be in it for long, for sure.

Snow White

Most women I know, including myself, enjoy the attention of being admired. It boosts our confidence and makes out men proud to have chased and won us over. One thing we constantly forget is that the world out there is full of these major kinds of people.

Those who really care

Those who never notice

Those who steal and

Those who kill

Those who care: – Care enough to respect a woman even when she is over-the top, beautiful. They admire a beautiful woman and constantly get the urge to want to be their protector and have them around always. This kind of a man won’t mind what you look like when you wake up in the morning or when you just removed your wig. They will watch you to see if you too can appreciate beyond what he uses to attract your attention. Will you still stick around if he needs to sell his car? Will you help him iron his creased shirt or will your pretend not to know him when he shows up in one? If despite all the beauty you hold or the great looks you have, you still care for your partner, you are the almost perfect type and anyone would like to keep you around longer.

Those who never notice; – actually do notice, only, they don’t give it much attention. This kind of person can meet a very beautiful looking woman who loves what she does and does it well; and later, start changing them into something else. Suddenly, she is warned to dress differently or to refrain from doing her hair a certain way. They become advisors and tell you what they think works better for you. Instead of making you a better person, they choose to bring you down and get to be the one in control. This happens mostly with the chauvinistic type of men. They will make sure to take away your beautiful glow and make you miserable in your relationship. As a result, you lose your confidence and self esteem and for ever stick around them since you believe that only they like you and can stand your flaws. These are the kind on people you meet and wonder what happened. Are they bewitched or what? What a waste of goodness!

Those who steal: – are the ones I constantly meet. They are all over the place! I am not sure you have noticed that most men and women get more attractive when they are in great relationships or when they get married. You may not know this but your skin glows when you are settled and happy unlike when you are hurting from heartbreak or when you are miserable and stuck in it. I get hits on my online sites by men who despite seeing that I am married and seem happy, still hit on me. These are thieves who want to take short cuts to get someone they are interested in. they never last in their relationships though since they have no idea how to maintain the glow. For them, the solution would be to hop over and steal a better, happier and exciting looking partner.

Those who kill: – Now these are the ones I warn people to stay away from. These have no regard for others and whenever they see something good, they bring it down by comparing with a better one. Or worse still steal, eat and kill for no one else to admire. Heard of rapists and those psychos who get locked up? Indeed. Be careful of serial rapists and murderous who get too overwhelmed with life’s normalcy they get sick of it. Talk to me and let me know what other sorts of people you know.